Stephen Mizell

Let me take you on a quick tour of my humble abode. This will give you a glimpse of what life is like at Smizell.com Headquarters. The events below are based on real "features" of my real-life apartment.

Let's pretend I pick you up from your house and we drive to mine. As we enter the driveway, which is wide enough for six cars, you tell me we have a such a nice place here that is so close to campus. "Thanks," I say, "but we don't really live there. We live in the basement around back." We get out, walk down the dangerous, uneven stairs and make it to our backdoor, where it takes me five tries to get the door unlocked.

We enter the house and you immediately notice the fireplace. How nice. Yes we have a fireplace, but it has been covered up by our landlord with a sheet of styrofoam so that we don't use it. It's also been sealed off by my former roommate with Great Stuff to prevent those pesky Brown Recluse spiders from getting in the house. "We have a problem with those spiders, but if you don't bother them, they won't bother you," I say to you, which was meant to scare you more than ease your fears. As we stand there, you hear something inside the fireplace about the size of a cat rustling around. You get a little frightened, but once again I point out our 1/16" thick styrofoam wall that protects us. "We're going to smoke him out, just haven't gotten around to it yet."

A gurgle comes from the sink in the kitchen, which is accompanied by a foul sewage smell. I quickly run over and turn on the faucet and let you know that's what happens when water from the people above gets poured down their sink too quickly. "The water from the trap gets sucked out and the sewage smell comes into the house," I tell you as if it is a common thing for everyone.

To escape the smell, you ask to use the bathroom. I point it out and also let you know the floor is probably damp because there is a leak in the sink. You enter the bathroom, sit down, and later try to flush, but you notice the "flusher" isn't working. You yell at me to give advice and I reply, "See the yellow wire that is running into the tank? Pull that up and it should flush." Nice work.

Now we're sitting on the couch, arguing about the strength of styrofoam and you hear some animal above running around, making all kinds of noise. You ask me about it, and I let you know the people above have a dog and a hardwood floor, which is a bad combination. "Don't worry, it's play time... should be over soon."

Time for me to take you home. Thanks for coming, stop by anytime.